It is all about choices, isn’t it?  Life is made up of choices that we all have to make.  To marry or not, to marry this person or that, to have kids or not, to have 2 kids or 4, to work or stay home, to trust or not, to love or not – these are all choices.

Right or wrong, good or bad – we also have to live with the consequences of our choices.

Ever since I became a mother 10 years ago, I have been struggling with this one choice that I made.  Although you can say I don’t have much of a choice since we were just starting off our lives and money was important to our survival.  I chose to continue working instead of staying at home with my son. 

Subsequently, every year, I had the opportunity to revisit this choice but I never really did.  At that time, I work from home.  So even though I was working in my bedroom, I could occasionally take breaks and play with my son.

I had 8 years of bliss.  I held a great job that allowed me to hone my skills professionally and yet allowed me more connection and time with my family.  These 8 years saw me raise 3 kids.  Funny enough, during these 8 years, I often lamented about how nice to be able to work in an actual office with actual colleagues.  After 8 years, the company I was working for decided that they would have an actual physical office instead of virtual ones. 

I never knew what hit me.  It might not have been apparent to my colleagues, but my family felt the change.  In a big way.  I struggled every single day trying to cope with the change.  I was like the duck, seemingly calm above the surface, gliding along, but underneath the surface, I was paddling like crazy.

I don’t think I ever recovered from it.  I am still paddling but not as crazy as before.  Why?  Because I made some choices to keep some things the way they were and to give up other things.

This choice that I made 10 years ago, I struggle with it every single day.  My babies are growing up and I am not there enough to see it.  I crave to have more time with them, to understand and discover them, to stand by them and comfort them.  I want to stay at home and watch them grow but more than ever, I need to have a constant stream of income. 

I see my friends all around me struggling with that as well.  You might say I should get comfort from that, but I don’t.  Everytime I see a Facebook update on how they are struggling with their own problems – trying help kids adjust to school life, friends fall ill because they have no help, not enough time to love their kids – I feel sad.  Like I say, we have to live with the consequences of the choices we make.  They may not be choices that we want to make but choices we have to make – either way, we have to live with the consequences.

I know this seems like a sad and depressing post.  It is meant to be.  However, by recognizing and admitting to the conflicts and dilemmas that I face on a daily basis, by identifying my challenges – I then see how I can overcome them, how I can then make other choices that can get me out of this conflict, this dilemma. 

I know I will, I just need to choose to make that choice.

My husband gave his a co-worker a ride today.  They chatted in the car and when he got back, he shared her story with me.  Her name is Rachel*.  She and her husband Dan*, are Malaysians working in Singapore.  For those of you out there who are not aware, geographically Malaysia and Singapore are close neighbours.  It is very common for folks to travel for work in the neighbouring country.

Since they are on work permits, they are living in rented public housing.  They have 2 small children back home in Malaysia, but they do not see them often.  Rachel is a hardware technician while Dan works as a technician in an oil refinery.  They receive relatively low wages due to their lower educational background.  Dan often have to pick up overtime, from 8.30am to 10pm at night, so as to work towards a better future.

Then, there is another story of Ling*.  She, like Rachel, works here in Singapore from Malaysia.  Ling and her husband, Lee*, just had a baby girl.  But as she is not a Singaporean, she only gets 2 months of maternity leave instead of 4.  After 2 months, she left her baby in her hometown in Ipoh to come back to work here in Singapore.  Due to their low income, they can only afford to go back to Ipoh every few months.

My husband also shared a story he heard from a friend.  Many people from rural China leave their hometowns to get a job in big cities.  They beg and borrow and scrap up enough money to make the trip to the city.  There they work in hard labour jobs with low wages.  Often, these men are not able to visit their families for years on end and some for the rest of their lives.  Their families live from hand to mouth on the wages the men send home and are seldom able to visit them as well.

It is when I hear of stories of hardship like these that I remember that I have a lot to be grateful about. 

I am lucky to have parents who insisted on a good education and pushed me to achieve what I can.  With a degree, I was able to get a good job.  With a good education, it provided me with strong and solid stepping stones to get to where I want to be.  I am grateful to have a strong a supportive family and family in-law.  I am grateful that even with 4 kids, my husband and I can enjoy the occasional Starbuck coffee or a 3 day holiday in Phuket.

I am grateful that I get to see my kids grow up.  I have the chance of being close to them and be a support to them.  I get to see them florish under my care and sprout strong wings to fly.  I am grateful for my friends who are always there for me, for better or for worse.

I am grateful for my husband, who not only is my best friend and soul mate, but also my pillar of strength.  He is whom I would want to spend the rest of my life with.

Most of all, I am grateful for my faith and the ability to practice it here in Singapore.  I know of people who are ostracised or even killed for proclaiming their faith.

Life is hard, but for some, it is particularly hard.  We can keep complaining about our aches and pain, or we can choose to take them in our stride.  We can stay selfish and only see our own suffering, or we can reach out to others who need a helping hand.  We can lament about how our friends and neighbours are doing better than us, or we can learn to be content with what we have.  We can choose to stay miserable and only exist, or we can choose to be happy and live.

What is your choice? 

*names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals