A few weeks ago, I recieve a note from my son’s school saying that they will be putting him and his cohort through a 3-day Adam Khoo’s motivation and study workshop, SuperKids. I was invited to attend a parent’s workshop on the third day, during which they will share with us what the kids have learnt. And that, we as parents would be able to continue to reinforce the principles and better support them for the upcoming PSLE examination – the big one.

I am always supportive of my children and will try my best to attend every performance, workshop, parent-teacher conference and briefing. So I signed the consent form to say yes, that dear husband and I will go.

Today came and there was a schedule conflict, with a church meeting which occur at the same time. We were both needed in both places, so as usual, we splitted up and each took one event. Dear husband went for the church meeting and I went for the parent workshop.

At first the workshop begin quite innocuously. With a fairly humorous facilitator, Amin, the session was conducted in a light-hearted manner but addressed messages that were very important. It was a bit warm and very humid in the school hall as it was not air-conditioned. I looked around, the parents attending the session seemed bored and no one was taking notes. Although I felt a bit conscious about taking notes, I was never one to shun away from curious looks. So I took down the important points – some from the slides that was shown and others from anecdotes and stories that were shared by Amin.

Points covered were as follows:
What does it take to be successful in learning? Attitude and Skills.
What are the challenges faced by students? There were many!
What is the reason for studying? For self and for the future
Leaders Live with 100% responsibility
Aimless Exist, blaming others, complaining about situations, and making excuses
Encouragement from parents help with self love and self esteem in kids

Then, Amin asked the kids if they have a goal, a dream that they wanted to attain. Some wanted to be doctors, others business owners and one girl wanted to be a teacher. My son stood up when asked if anyone wanted to be a business owner. He bravely stood up and told his friends and all the parents present that he wantedto start a software company.

Hmmm…I thought to myself, that was something that I did not know about.

Then Amin proceeded to demonstrate with a simple game how easily distracted we can all become, how easily influenced we all can be. He told us to follow his spoken instructions, touching shoulders, ears and head. He then increased the speed and in one instance instructed us to touch the shoulders but touched his ears instead. I will be lying if I said I did as I was told – when Amin touched his ears, I subconciously also touched my ears even though I quickly correct myself and touched my shoulders. His point was if we can be distracted and influenced, so can our kids.

Parents set examples and kids watch and learn. If we do not participate 100%, committ 100%, then how can we expect the kids to do so?

Okay I got the point.

Then the session went on to talk about:
How we should rename failures as learning experiences
How when things don’t work, change your strategy
How if we don’t pay attention to our kids, they will look for attention elsewhere

At this point, I thought, most of these things I know and even practise most. I am doing good.

Amin proceeded to talk about how encouragement affect our kids and why computer games were so addictive. He shared that encouragement given by parents should be frequent and specific. Parents should never be sarcastic or do a comparison with other kids. He turned the tables and gave an example of how a mother would feel if she were told the food she painstakingly cooked was not tasty and cannot be compared to her sister-in-law. Wow…that touched a nerve!

Whenever I felt frustrated with my son, I would push all his buttons by being sarcastic and comparing him with his sister. I was ugly and argumentative and such confrontations never end well and always in tears. I suddenly realised that this workshop was for us parents but not just to share what the kids have gone through but to appeal for our support and encouragement in a more positive manner. This was a cry for us parents, to committ, to change, to support, and to be completely and utterly 100% in this very important relationship.

In a daze, I listened to:
How emotions are important
How choices have consequences
How Visual, Auditory and Kinestatic learning is important
How the kids drew Whole Brain Notes, that is, Mind Maps
How to talk to your kids so they will listen – Being Positive, Power of Praise and Accentuate the Positives

Then Amin showed us a video on the Hoyt father and son. It brought tears to everyone who was there. I wept as I felt the parents’ devastation in finding out their son has celebral palsy, how they ignored the doctor’s advice to put him in an institution and took him home, how they supported him unconditionally and helped him to learn to communicate with a computer and most importantly how a father ran hundreds of races just to help his son feel freed of his handicap.

I started to question myself – Am I 100% committed to this relationship with my son?

Then came the climax of the workshop. The kids were asked to stand up on stage and talk about how they felt after these 3 days. My son, my first born, put up his hand and went up on stage. I was so emotional I forgot to record it for dear husband! I managed to get the second half with my iPhone but my hands were shaking and I was crying openly by then.

“Hi my name is Chong-Yu and I am from 6 Confidence. I want to thank my parents. My mother and my father worked very hard for us. I have 3 other brothers and sister so I know it is not easy. Even though they cannot buy me iPhone and iPods, they always give 100% to me and I want to thank them. I love you.”

As the kids went up to stage to talk about their feelings one by one, the raw display of love and gratitude touched me in very unexpected ways. I was sitting in the front row and did not turn to see the reactions of the other parents – but I felt their pride, love and overwhelming emotions as they experienced this open sharing.

At the end of the session, the kids were told to hug their parents and showed them the notes they wrote for them. I hugged my son and read my note. I was really proud of him. They closed the session with a song, “If we hold on together” and an encouraging address from the principal.

As we walked to the car together, my son told me that it was meant to be a surprise for me to see him go on stage, and how nervous he had felt. I praised his efforts and told him how well he spoke. He asked me if I was proud of him. I told him that his father and I will always be proud of him. Most importantly, as Amin said, he should be proud of himself. The smile and peace on his face I got in return was priceless.

The 3 hours I spent was most meaningful and certainly open a window of understanding between myself and my son. I have always known that Chong-Yu is a very special gift from God and I will be forever grateful for the opportunity to be his mother.

“Hi my name is Sam and I am Chong-Yu’s mother. I want to say how much I love him and how proud of him I am. I also want to ask for his forgiveness during thetimes that I was not 100% committed to our relationship and I pledge to do better in the future. I also want to thank him for allowing me to be his mother. I love you, son.”

Dear husband and I visited a garden last weekend to shop for herbs that I use frequently in my cooking.  All the plants were clearly labeled with care instructions – frequency of watering, how much sun and most importantly, different types of fertilizers.  I commented that they must have tested each type of fertilizer to see with which one would the plant grow the best.  Perhaps grow bigger leaves or larger fruits.

We were talking over breakfast this morning, it was about one of our favorite  topic – our 4 beautiful kids.  They were all different – No.1 is a creative story writer, No.2 a fantastically accomplished dancer, No.3 is a visual artist and No.4 is the crazy musician!  As we joined the dots from the different types of plants to our 4 different kids, we realized that we need to use different “fertilizers” for our different kids.

Kids were gifted to us, created differently.  They have different talents, different interests and different needs.  If we encourage, stimulate and support in the ways that they need, they would flourish and grow to the fullest potential.  Conversely, if we remove the stimulations they need, they may be stunted and will not grow as well.

Port that idea to our modern day life.  No.3 watches a lot of television.  He even calls himself “The TV Man”.  I had worry about this and tried on many occasions to distract him with other activities.  Dear husband then made a good point this morning when he said that No. 3 is so visual that he probably needs the stimulation from the television programs.  The images are not merely images, they are tools to him.  Tools and skills that he is building up to be used.  Just on Sunday, our dear boy used 2 spades of different shapes, put them against his face and then proceeded to tell everyone he is a diver.  We were amazed as he would have to have the image in his head to make it up! Trust me, he really looked like a diver!  Obviously he has a very different and interesting visual perspective on things.

Okay lady, you are trying to justify letting your kid watch TV on your blog? Maybe but I think when it comes to my offspring, I will do whatever it takes to help them grow.  If it means going against the general societal norms, I am willing to take the risk.  I did not even talk about the growth in academic performance as I believe that if I “fertilize” my kids in the right way, success will come, with or without academic brilliance.

After all, I am taking a leaf from my daughter’s book.

I was told after 4 years of ballet lessons, that anatomically, she is not suitable to be a ballet dancer!  But this was followed by her teachers saying how she has methodically corrected and eradicated each and every one of her weaknesses.  All these time, I had no idea that she was struggling and working so hard to get to the standard that was expected of her.  However, I am happy to say that both dear husband and I were always supportive throughout, whether it was time, money, being there to attend all her performances and moral support before all the events.  Now, with 3 public performances, 2 examinations and 1 competition behind her, she is one of the best dancers in her class.

Perhaps I have a rock star on my hands if I give No.4 an electric guitar and the next Stephen King if I give my eldest professional writing classes?  The possibilities are endless, if we would just allow them to happen.

http://www.mummysg.com/forums/f97/being-special-parenting-child-medical-conditions-15948/

I stumbled upon this forum when I was surfing.  As I read the many posts, tears ran down my face.  It did not help matters when I found out this morning that a girl friend lost her baby at 4.5 months.

How I have taken my kids for granted!  How I have squandered the gifts that my God has so gracefully showered upon me!  How I have been so self-centred, selfish and unloving!

It reminds me of the story that was circulated in the internet some years back. 

It was about this mother, in queue for coffee and complaining about her kids to her friend, saying how messy they were and how frustrated she was cleaning the house.  The woman behind her tap her on her shoulder and told her that her house is clean, there are no footprints, things are never messy.  The reason was because some years back, she lost all her kids in a car accident.  Now she wishes that her house is messy, footprints everywhere and that there are dirty clothes on the floor.

How easy it is to get lost in the daily grind and forget about the important things in life!  I am going back home tonight to hug my kids a second time, kiss them hard and tell them that I love them, no matter what.  I may still nag about the messy house but I will not quite mean it.  I pledge to remember that I must give thanks every single day for my 4 gifts and not only think about myself.

Have you hug your kids today?

It is all about choices, isn’t it?  Life is made up of choices that we all have to make.  To marry or not, to marry this person or that, to have kids or not, to have 2 kids or 4, to work or stay home, to trust or not, to love or not – these are all choices.

Right or wrong, good or bad – we also have to live with the consequences of our choices.

Ever since I became a mother 10 years ago, I have been struggling with this one choice that I made.  Although you can say I don’t have much of a choice since we were just starting off our lives and money was important to our survival.  I chose to continue working instead of staying at home with my son. 

Subsequently, every year, I had the opportunity to revisit this choice but I never really did.  At that time, I work from home.  So even though I was working in my bedroom, I could occasionally take breaks and play with my son.

I had 8 years of bliss.  I held a great job that allowed me to hone my skills professionally and yet allowed me more connection and time with my family.  These 8 years saw me raise 3 kids.  Funny enough, during these 8 years, I often lamented about how nice to be able to work in an actual office with actual colleagues.  After 8 years, the company I was working for decided that they would have an actual physical office instead of virtual ones. 

I never knew what hit me.  It might not have been apparent to my colleagues, but my family felt the change.  In a big way.  I struggled every single day trying to cope with the change.  I was like the duck, seemingly calm above the surface, gliding along, but underneath the surface, I was paddling like crazy.

I don’t think I ever recovered from it.  I am still paddling but not as crazy as before.  Why?  Because I made some choices to keep some things the way they were and to give up other things.

This choice that I made 10 years ago, I struggle with it every single day.  My babies are growing up and I am not there enough to see it.  I crave to have more time with them, to understand and discover them, to stand by them and comfort them.  I want to stay at home and watch them grow but more than ever, I need to have a constant stream of income. 

I see my friends all around me struggling with that as well.  You might say I should get comfort from that, but I don’t.  Everytime I see a Facebook update on how they are struggling with their own problems – trying help kids adjust to school life, friends fall ill because they have no help, not enough time to love their kids – I feel sad.  Like I say, we have to live with the consequences of the choices we make.  They may not be choices that we want to make but choices we have to make – either way, we have to live with the consequences.

I know this seems like a sad and depressing post.  It is meant to be.  However, by recognizing and admitting to the conflicts and dilemmas that I face on a daily basis, by identifying my challenges – I then see how I can overcome them, how I can then make other choices that can get me out of this conflict, this dilemma. 

I know I will, I just need to choose to make that choice.

This powerful video came to me in facebook from a friend sharing.  When I saw this, I remember all the times my children were watching me – behaving well and behaving badly.  This is not just for parents, but for ALL adults.

How much do we really love our kids?  Do we love them enough to show them how we can make the world a better place?

I am grateful for having this gift bestowed upon me 4 times. 4 lovely babies, 4 times the joy.

I sometimes forget how blessed I am and how great God is. When I am dragged down by life or by work, I forget that I have 4 concrete proof that really, nothing else is important. When I turn inward with selfishness, with self-pity, I could not see the loving eyes, the hugs and kisses, the simple need to be around their mother. I lock them out.

I squander this gift when I do that. I disconnect from my children. The inability to respond sometimes have me guilt ridden for days on end. My children never give up. They keep trying to connect, sometimes turned away by me, but they always come back.

If I am not careful, one day, they will get tired and they will turn away from me, from God.

I admire my DH. He turns off the stresses and pain of daily life off as soon as he enters our home. He plays with the children despite having the worst work day of the week, despite knowing that he probably have to work late into the night, and despite his physical tiredness. He is my role model and I try to emulate him. I succeed sometimes and I fall others.

Please God, help me to see beyond myself, my ego, to receive the love and blessings You so generously shower upon me. Let me never give up and let my children never turn away from me and from You.

Amen.

Note: This post was originally posted on my personal blog on 12 June, 2009.

As everyone was getting dressed, number 4 (I used to think using numbers was appalling but then turned out it was just easier this way) was excited and took out his squeaky shoes (which my dear husband hated) and started to put them on.  He was doing quite well except he got them on the wrong feet.  So I took over and helped him.  I then told him to follow number 1 to the lift lobby just outside our flat.  He happily bobbed out and then I made the first mistake of the day.

I turned my head to talk to number 3, who walked into the living room.

By the time my dear husband got out into the lobby, number 4 was gone.  Number 1 however, was still standing there.  When asked where his little brother is, he then exclaimed, “Oh my God! I think he went into the lift!”

By himself.

By then, we were frantic, I practically screamed at my husband to run down the stairs to see where the lift stops, while I had my eyes glued on lift display to see where it stops.  I screamed at the top of my voices down the stairway to my husband that it stopped at the 4th floor.  So when I saw the lift coming up, I thought he had gotten to number 4 and was bringing him up.

Of course, it was not.  The lift doors opened and it was a neighbour with her son – and my runaway son.  She then proceeded to give me a dressing down on how it had frightened her to see a 2 year child ALONE in the lift.  And that we were so lucky that her son recognized number 4 and knew that he lived on the 11th floor.

I am not sure I thanked her but the sense of relief I felt was indescribable.  He was not crying but he was spotting an upturned mouth. 

I guess I can now mentally log that this is first time he took the lift by himself.

Do you have any heart-stopping moments with your kids?

Back to sick kids, I had one in the last few days.  He is recovering but it had upset our family’s routine.  This is the reason why this post is late.  For the first 2 nights that he was sick, he was not comfortable and was waking up every 15 mins.  Yes you heard me right.  Every 15 mins.  At the end of the 2 nights, my dear husband and I were running on fumes.

I guess the real question behind this post is then, ever had a sick kid and still have to turn up for a important client meeting in the late afternoon?  Well, I had to do it yesterday after the 2 sleepless nights.  I was amazed that I could still funtion and only needed a cup of coffee before the meeting to keep me awake.  Surprisingly the meeting went well.

By the time I got back home, my head felt light and I was crashing.  I went to bed at 8pm and was out like a light for the rest of the night.  My dear husband, I found out this morning, was trying to keep my sick kid from waking me up.  He also stayed up until 1am to fix up the computer for the kid’s homework and to write a letters to terminate some educational services that they do not need anymore.

All in all you can see all the challenges that working parents have to face whenever there is a sick kid at home.  I am just glad he is getting better so we can get back to our usual routine.  And then there is the lift incident this morning…which I am saving for the next post.

Now to put things into perspective, the regular bedtime in my household is 9pm for the kids.  It was 9.30pm when she asked.  The late bedtime is due to the fact that the family had visited THE newest location to visit – Marina Barrage – in the afternoon, followed by dinner out at a Japanese restaurant.

She then proceeded to sulk and stamped her feet to her bed.  Later, on she complained to her father that we have not done that specific family activity for a while.  My dear husband proceeded to soothe and comfort her, while massive amount of guilt then built up in my heart.  I then shaked my head and stood firm in my decision.

The reason I said no, was because I wanted to protect the couple time we had after the kids go to bed.  This is fiercely guarded by me as I realised that if we don’t respect this time, then as a couple, we will not have time alone.  “After 9pm” is a time slot that I treasure and look forward to.  Sometimes we may do our own things quietly; other times, we may do some planning together; but most times we spend the time together, watching TV with a glass of wine in hand.  This makes sure that even in the hustle and bustle of our family life, we still remember that our marriage comes before the children.

What did she just say?  Yes, make no mistake about it, I place my marriage before my children.  If the pillars of the family are weak, then how can the family be strong?  Only when my marriage is thriving that my children would have a secure and loving environment to grow up in.  We will then be setting a good examples for them to follow when they one day become someone else’s spouses.

If I were to put my children first, over the years, my marriage would deteriorate.  Even if the big D word never cross our lips, by the time we retire, we will be ready to go our separate ways.  I will wake up one morning and wonder who is this person sleeping next to me.  I want to remember the reason we got married every single day; I want to keep our love and passion alive; I want to grow old with my dear husband.

So whenever I have to make a decision to choose, then more often then not, I will choose to spend time with my dear husband. 

I hear him coming out of the shower, so until the next post…