It is all about choices, isn’t it?  Life is made up of choices that we all have to make.  To marry or not, to marry this person or that, to have kids or not, to have 2 kids or 4, to work or stay home, to trust or not, to love or not – these are all choices.

Right or wrong, good or bad – we also have to live with the consequences of our choices.

Ever since I became a mother 10 years ago, I have been struggling with this one choice that I made.  Although you can say I don’t have much of a choice since we were just starting off our lives and money was important to our survival.  I chose to continue working instead of staying at home with my son. 

Subsequently, every year, I had the opportunity to revisit this choice but I never really did.  At that time, I work from home.  So even though I was working in my bedroom, I could occasionally take breaks and play with my son.

I had 8 years of bliss.  I held a great job that allowed me to hone my skills professionally and yet allowed me more connection and time with my family.  These 8 years saw me raise 3 kids.  Funny enough, during these 8 years, I often lamented about how nice to be able to work in an actual office with actual colleagues.  After 8 years, the company I was working for decided that they would have an actual physical office instead of virtual ones. 

I never knew what hit me.  It might not have been apparent to my colleagues, but my family felt the change.  In a big way.  I struggled every single day trying to cope with the change.  I was like the duck, seemingly calm above the surface, gliding along, but underneath the surface, I was paddling like crazy.

I don’t think I ever recovered from it.  I am still paddling but not as crazy as before.  Why?  Because I made some choices to keep some things the way they were and to give up other things.

This choice that I made 10 years ago, I struggle with it every single day.  My babies are growing up and I am not there enough to see it.  I crave to have more time with them, to understand and discover them, to stand by them and comfort them.  I want to stay at home and watch them grow but more than ever, I need to have a constant stream of income. 

I see my friends all around me struggling with that as well.  You might say I should get comfort from that, but I don’t.  Everytime I see a Facebook update on how they are struggling with their own problems – trying help kids adjust to school life, friends fall ill because they have no help, not enough time to love their kids – I feel sad.  Like I say, we have to live with the consequences of the choices we make.  They may not be choices that we want to make but choices we have to make – either way, we have to live with the consequences.

I know this seems like a sad and depressing post.  It is meant to be.  However, by recognizing and admitting to the conflicts and dilemmas that I face on a daily basis, by identifying my challenges – I then see how I can overcome them, how I can then make other choices that can get me out of this conflict, this dilemma. 

I know I will, I just need to choose to make that choice.

“Said Aristotle unto Plato,
‘Have another sweet potato?’
Said Plato unto Aristotle,
‘Thank you, I prefer the bottle.’”

Owen Wister (1860-1938) American novelist

I am with Aristotle on that one.

The best food in life is the food that has the least messing around.  No insecticides, no preservatives, no additional processing, no over seasoning. Cooking for my family and friends, I find that the recipes that worked best often are the simplest and has the least amount of cooking.  If you think that by spending a long time in the kitchen, whipping up an elaborate meal is a show of culinary prowess, it is more than further from the truth.  All family and friends want, is really spending time with you.  I have had many meals with just 1 main dish or with half the meal bought, and everyone had loads of fun.

I love chips; potatoes, parsnip, sweet potatoes, yam, lotus root (yes, I tried that and it was heavenly), anything that I can slice (and are root vegetables!) I can make into chips.

I made these sweet potato chips once as a side dish to steak and mushy peas.  The chips became the highlight of dinner and my brood of 4 kids and 1 husband were delighted and gave it more marks than the steak and mushy peas, which took a longer time.  Needless to say, I was surprised as it had not taken much effort.  Here’s what I did.

Best Sweet Potato Chips in the World

Ingredients

3 large Sweet Potatoes

Method

1. Remove the skin off the sweet potatoes and soak them in salt water as you work.  Sweet potatoes tend to oxidise when cut and turn an unattractive brown.
2. Using any vegetable peeler, slice sweet potato lengthwise into thin slices.
3. Dry them thoroughly with kitchen towels/clean tea towels and place in fridge to dry out for about 1 hour.
4. I used vegetable oil but you could pretty much use any frying oil.  Deep fry them until slight golden brown.
5. Serves 4 as a side and 1 as a greedy craving.

I have used them as sides but you could use them for family movie nights or a starter.  I have never tried them with a dip yet but I encourage you to try with your favourites.  How about also experimenting with other vegetables?  I would love to hear what works for you!

If you read my last post, you will see that I listed out the ways that I found work for me as a working mother – Juggling Work and Family.

What I did not explain was why I wrote my last post.  Although it was a challenge from dear husband to list the ways I cope with my busy life, it was my first born son that inspired the last post.

We were chatting (yes I do have time to chat with my kids!), and he told me about his friends in school.  They complained that their parents are always too tired to do anything with them.  Normally they would have 1 or 2 other siblings.  Most have live-in helpers as surrogate caretakers, although some have grandparents.  Others may even lived with their grandparents and only see their parents on weekends.  What puzzled him was why we did not have a live-in helper, our kids did not stay with the grandparents and yet quality time with 4 kids is not eroded.

Now, you must understand that I have a very special little boy here.  He thinks in a very different way from his peers and even from us.  So when he talked to me about this, I was not surprised at all.  I explained that perhaps their parents work long hours and was really drained at the end of the day.  He pointed out that we too were tired, but we still spend time talking to them and doing things together.  Plus, if his friends has a live-in helper, then would that not help the parents not be too tired from the house chores? (and yes we do the house chores ourselves!)

I could tell my efforts in trying to give him time daily from my busy schedule was important to him.  This conversation reminded me that he needs me to be in his life and that he needs to be in mine.  That every conversation, every sharing, every game, every movie, every holiday, every “Mummy, mummy, I have something to show/tell you” answered is important to him.  Even every argument, as I am at least there to have it with him! 

My quest does not stop here.  Although my son may think I am doing a great job, there is always room for improvement.  So I simply have to keep challenging myself to find new ways to keep improving the quality of my interactions with him and being there for him. 

I hope that when the time comes, he will come to me and say, “Mummy, there is this girl…”, and I will be more than happy to part of that chapter of his life.

“How do you manage?”

I get asked that question a lot.  My cheeky answer is always,”I don’t.  I struggle.”  While that gets lots of laughs and knowing grins, working mothers do REALLY want to know how to manage better. 

After much trial and error, I finally have a method to all the madness, juggling a full time job with a large growing family, that works for me.  Hopefully these practical tips and tricks would also help you in keeping insanity at bay.

1. Draw the line between work and home
   I have outlined how to do that in my previous post – How to draw the line between work and home.
2. Have strict time routine
   This is a a strictly enforced rule in my household.  For instance, bedtime for the kids is at 9pm.  No bargaining, no negotiation, no exceptions.  Even on weekends and schoool holidays (okay, perhaps we bend it sometimes).  This ensures that I have a few hours of time spent either with my dear husband or just some alone time.  The other time routines are waking times, mealtimes, time to move out in the mornings – by keeping to these times strictly, the family knows what to expect and can manage themselves accordingly.
3. Unclutter your life routine
   For instance, I do not cook a separate meal for the younger kids when they turn 2 years old.  This will take 1 thing off my very long list of things to do.  Another thing I do is not to visit the supermarket daily.  I have a running shopping list and try my utmost best to visit only once a week.  This saves time and money.
4. Reduce your committments
   Having another new fanangle enrichment class for your kids, or saying yes to serving in another committee is not going to help you in your quest for balance.  Give time to the only ones that really matter to you and your family.  Remember that most times, when you say yes to such committments, you are in effect saying no to spending time with your family or no to having time to yourself.
5. Delegate
   Not just to husbands or helpers, but to your kids.  My older kids are 10 and 8 years old.  They can make simple breakfasts and snacks for themselves and others, help the younger kids with dressing up and going to the toilet, help to watch their siblings when we are busy with other tasks and also clear and wash their own used cups and dishes.  Before we leave the house, one would open the door and the other would close all the windows in the house.  This not only relieves me from the nitty gritty tasks, it also trains the kids to be more independent.
6. Relax!
   Nevermind if the beds are not made on some days or the children eats junk on others.  By not wanting to always be perfect, I am a more relaxed mother and can focus on things that really matter like understanding and talking to my kids.  Surprise surprise – my dear husband in turn is also more relaxed and therefore, more loving to me.
7. Carve out time for your marriage and yourself
   The “after 9pm” time slot is fiercely guarded, as illustrated in my previous post – No.  The time with my dear husband is important in keeping our love and passion alive.  I also have alone times that I spent sleeping, playing games or writing.  This makes sure that I have time to be me and not just mum or wife.  Guess what that does to my soul?
8. Work with your husband
   While it is nice to have a husband who could read your mind and do the things you want him to do (let’s not get ahead of ourselves), most times, it is actually more efficient and effective to tell him (gasp!).  My dear husband tells me it is a relief to know what I want and need exactly as he can then proceed to meet those needs.  Hmm, looks like another post to help our dear husbands!  Stay tuned, gentlemen!

What do you do that works for you in mastering the delicate task of balancing your life?

Okay, last day of the year…last ditch effort to fulfill 2009 resolutions.  Time to also make the 2010 ones.

Two days ago, I initiated a family resolutions making session.  Everyone in the family who can understand the concept was asked to come up with activities that we can do as a family.   I tried this before last 3 months of 2009 and it worked really well.  An additional column was added to each activity to track the date that we achieved it.

This is our list.  We came up with 15 so that we would have 1 for every month and 3 extra.

1. Go to Wild Wild Wet. 
2. Play a family board game.
3. Go to the playground.
4. Go to Hollywood Dinos at Jurong Bird Park.
5. Read the book, “Raising Your Family EQ“.
6. Create a family blog.
7. Go overseas on a family trip.
8. Eat durians in an open air durian cafe.
9. Watch a movie together.
10. Have a barbeque.
11. Cook/Bake together.
12. Go to Sentosa for a short weekend trip.
13. Go to a new park.
14. Go for a family pinic.
15. Go fishing.

What does your family like to do together?  Make a list and at the end of the year, celebrate your family spirit!

As the year closes and the new year comes upon us, did 2009 meet your expectations?  What expectations do you have of 2010?

Did you get the promotion at work or the raise you expected?  Did you close the deal you were hoping to close before the year end?  Did you change your job?

Did your kids’ results from the year end exams meet your expectations?  Did the renovations for the new house finish on time?  Did your investments recover as much as you expected?  Did your husband buy what you wanted for your birthday?

I have expectations of myself and others that I want met.  Of course, life being life, these are either not met at all or not met quite the same way I wanted.  The world cannot revolve around me and not everything will go my way, if ever.  These then contributed to the built up of disappointments that may then change my attitude towards life or to others around me.

When my kids don’t get ready in time for school in the morning, I end up yelling and screaming for them to hustle.  I neglect to see that they cannot read my mind and thus, do not know that today I have an early morning meeting and need to be early at work.

When the ballet school teacher failed to tell me that my daughter’s ballet lesson was canceled, I threw a fit in the car about how irresponsible and unorganised she was.  What I should have been doing was to celebrate the good fortune of having an extra hour of free time!

When my dear husband suggested eating out, forgetting that I had previously planned to cook lunch, I sulked and agreed grudgingly instead of appreciating the opportunity to enjoy the outing.

When I could not carve out the time from my busy life to write a post, I deemed myself lazy and unmotivated, instead of realising that I was doing pretty good for a working mother with 4 kids.

Mismanaged expectations often go out of control and either change us to something prickly and unlikeable, or prevent us from living life in the now.  Instead of focusing on the “unmet” or “mis-met” expecations, one should really just expect the unexpected, expect things to go wrong, and treat every single one of the met expectations like a bonus.

Easy to say, hard to do. 

In the rare moments that I manage this feat, the bliss and peace I feel is priceless. 

In this new year, I urge you to set realistic expectations of yourself and others.  When resolutions are not achieved at the end of the year, it is often because losing 20kg or getting a pay increment of 2,000 may not be achieveable in the first place.  This is not to say you should not set stretch goals but not so stretched that it is impossible to get to.  So stretched that you would have set yourself up for failure on the first day.

May 2010 be a year of met expectations and satisfied souls!

Calvin:”Why do adults do things so slowly? You’d think the older you get, the more you’d try to cram in because you’d know you’ve got less time left…By the time I’m old geezer like Dad I’ll be going like crazy.”
Hobbes:”Oh great!”

Pure logic right?  Less time, go faster…but why do we see the reverse?

I recently saw a video of a 75 year old woman, Paddy Jones, who danced acrobatic salsa in a Spanish talent show.  She said in the interview that she was looking for something to pass time.  To pass time, folks!  I mean she could have taken up cooking or sewing or the likes – but she took on something she loved – dancing.  And boy did she take it to a whole new level!

I was truly inspired by her willingness to put herself out there and do the things she really wanted to do.  75 year old – she definitely did not have time on her side.  But instead of focusing on the lack of time, she focus on how she can achieve what she wanted to achieve in whatever time she has left.  Everyone has certain stereotypes about how people of a certain age should behave – but who is to say we cannot break those stereotypes?

My own godfather, is 73 years of age.  He swims 3 times a week, jogs for another 2.  He also goes on regular diving trips in places that I didn’t even know existed!  The last time I talked to him, he told me that he is getting too old for diving.  Then he said in jest that perhaps he should go try out sky diving now!  Blew my mind!  That is the attitude I want to wear!

Who is to dictate the way I grow old?  Should I not make sure the time I have left is lived to the fullest?  Doing the things I want to do not what I should be doing?  In fact, I should not wait for a “certain” age before doing that.  Carpe diem, my friends!

I want to live life, like there is no tomorrow!  And I want to do it now…I don’t have to do sky diving or dance acrobatic salsa.  All I have to do is be true to myself and spend most of the time doing the things that really matter to me.  Granted it may take me a while to get there since I still have a growing family, but that does not mean I cannot start with baby steps today!

So stop surfing the net and start surfing your life!

Note : This is a guest post from Dear Husband, who painstakingly put this Very Useful post together.  Thanks Dar!

Having just completed the exhilarating exercise of purchasing a private property in Singapore, I find it to be a much wilder adventure than buying a HDB flat. It was an eye opener and a learning experience for me, and I would like to share in here what I have learnt.

The Prep

Do your homework first before you start your house hunting. Read up on the rules and regulations that will affect your purchase. If you currently own a HDB flat, can you sell your flat or own a second property? If you are a foreigner, what are your restrictions? If you are a resident, how much CPF can you use? Trust me, these documentation are not easy to find. And the frequent changes to the regulations make things even more confusing. In my case, several sources (property agents, friends, etc) had told me different versions about how much CPF money I could and could not use. If in doubt, do not be afraid to approach the relevant authorities directly at their office counters, through emails or enquiry lines.

Also, talk to several banks to learn about their home loan packages. There are a few things you need to find out: the difference between fixed- and variable-rates packages, lock-in periods, the maximum loan percentage, and the loan tenure. Ask their advices on the upper limit of the property price you should target, based on your family income and expenses. Are there any extra perks if you also sign up for their renovation package? If you have also signed up for some other accounts in that bank, are there any inter-linked benefits?

Finances

Financing a property is not as simple as it seems, if you want to get more bang for your buck. Typically there are two portions to the financing: the loan, and the balance cash (including CPF). For the loan portion, you have to decide how much loan to borrow, whether to go with fixed or variable interest rates, and how long to lock in your loan. Make some projection of your current and future financial status as well. For example, if you do not foresee any realistic possibility in making a substantial repayment of the loan in the next two year, it may be a good idea to go for a two-year lock-in period to reduce the interest. As for the cash portion, a commonly overlooked figure is the various taxes and fees (such as stamp duties). Some may also consider taking up a bridging loan to temporarily cover the balance cash. But whatever financial instruments you sign yourself up for, always go in with your eyes wide open and understand what you are getting into.

Hunting Plan

It is impossible to visit every listing on the market. Are you going to engage an agent (with a fee, of course) to scout for you, or do it yourself? If you are planning to pour through the classified ads, Saturday Straits Times is a must-read. The Internet is also a good source. I personally like http://www.iproperty.com.sg/, http://www.propertyguru.com.sg/ and http://www.streetsine.com/, where properties are listed on a map. StreetSine.com has a very interesting feature called StreetSine Quality Index (SQI) for each listed property, which rates the convenience of the property’s amenities in terms of trains, supermarkets, schools etc.

Make a list of the important criteria you are looking for, like transport, amenities, food, number of bedrooms, price, etc. That will help you to zoom in faster to what you want. If you are new to property hunting, I suggest this: in the beginning, go for a few open-house of properties that you think roughly fit your requirements, and get a few of what to look out for in a property. Then gradually, filter and amend your criteria as you go along.

One criterion whose importance is sometimes overlooked or understated is the property tenure: 99-year or freehold.
http://www.iproperty.com.sg/iexpert/Question.aspx?ID=500 gives a good comparison between the two.
The Leasehold Table in http://www.sla.gov.sg/doc/faq/How%20DP%20is%20calculated.pdf will also give an indication of the depreciation of leasehold property against freehold.

Eventually, you will be clear enough about what you want, and you will have learnt how to read the fine prints in property advertisements. Then you can just browse through market listings from the comfort of your home, and only visit those that are closer matches to what you desire. You will save more time this way. When you are viewing a property that turns out to be unsuitable, be open to share with the marketing agent the criteria you are searching for. You never know, but the agent may have another property up his or her sleeve that is exactly what you are looking for.

For Self-Stay

There are many houses you just cannot help falling in love with. And there are the impulsive buyers who are enamored, take a mental snapshot of themselves in that beautiful house, and put down a cheque right away. What they do not imagine, is a mental video of themselves living in the house, in the neighbourhood, going to and from work, sending their children to and from school. A heavenly house may turn out to be hellish to live in. I know of more than a few friends who bought a house on one end of the island and travel daily to the other end to work or fetch their children to their caretaker. So, if you intend to stay in your new property, prioritize your criteria carefully, and stick to the plan. Give yourself a cool-off period before signing on the dotted line.

Voila!

When you have found “the one”, make good use of the cool-off period to also research on your property of desire. Is it worth the asking price? Compare its price per square foot (PSF) to those in the same project, and to other similar ones in the neighbourhood. It will be even better if you can find the price at which the current owner bought the property you like; you would then have a better gauge of the bottom-line in negotiating the price. https://www.ura.gov.sg/real_estate/main.jsp allows you to search for any property transactions in recent years. You can also buy a Home Report from http://www.streetsine.com/ that gives you many interesting information and analysis of any property. The report also includes details such as the official property size; this once saved me from being conned by a seller agent who claimed a certain property was bigger than it really was. From the URA website, you can also check up recent transactions with caveats lodged to ensure that the property has not just been sold. Property scams are not unheard of, so it pays to perform due diligence check on it. http://www.iras.gov.sg/irasHome/quickLinksListing.aspx?typeID=804&id=870&cid=324 also allows you to check the owners and annual value of a property to make sure whoever is attempting to sell you the property has the right to do so.

Other details you may want to find out before making a decision are its regular maintenance fees (for apartments and condominiums), and its valuation. The property valuation affects how much you can loan from a bank, so if your banker valuates the property at a lower sum, you can ask the agent who is marketing the property. Most marketing agents will have lined up a list of banks that can match up to their valuation. And if you are looking at en bloc resale opportunities for a condominium, or rebuilding or extending a landed property, you will have to find out the property’s plot ratio (more on this later) and height limit. A good source is the URA Master Plan, found in http://www.ura.gov.sg/. The Master Plan will also show any major planned changes to the neighbourhood that may affect the future value of the property. Some experienced buyers will also attempt to find out about the developer of the property to check if they have a history of development quality complaints.

Finally, keep in mind that whatever trends and analysis you extracted from your research are subjective to individual circumstances, and plans are often subjected to unforeseen changes, so you will still have to exercise your own judgment from case to case.

Other Tips & Information

I found this article to be insightful:
http://www.hotvictory.com/ten_deadly_mistakes_that_buyer.htm.

http://condo.singaporeexpats.com/ provides comprehensive information on condominiums and apartments in Singapore, including a very extensive database of floor plans and site maps. You can easily determine if the unit layout suits your need before even visiting the place. However, physically viewing a unit of interest is extremely important, to see the context and environment which is not reflected in a floor plan. At the very least, visualize how the unit fit into the site map and what are the units and facilities around that unit. I have seen ground floor units with the common swimming pool leading right up to its living room window sill; imagine how noisy it will be when you’re watching TV. I have visited a unit that, on the floor plan, looked very nice with a wide balcony and big roof terrace, only to find out that the is inset into the block such that the balcony is flanked by the long walls of the neighbouring units and the viewing angle is just about 90 degrees wide! And what was worse, the roof terrace actually overlooked the roof gutter of the neighour unit, filled with dried leaves and rubbish. So, if possible, try to see for yourself what you are planning to buy.

Plot area, in a nutshell, stipulates how much living space (GFA) is allowed on a specific plot of land. http://www.ura.gov.sg/circulars/text/dcdgfahb_d0e4.htm specifies exactly how to compute Gross Floor Area (GFA) and Plot Ratio. For example, with an allowable plot ratio of 2.0 for a 5,000 sqft land, you can build a 2-storey house or condominium, with each storey exactly 5,000 sqft wide; or you can build a 4-storey house with each storey 2,500 sqft wide. So, this means that if you buy a condominium in a project that has not reached its maximum plot ratio, there is a possibility that some developer will want to buy the project site en-bloc and then redevelop it to a high plot ratio.

That sums up my adventure in hunting for a house. I wish you all the best in your hunt too.

This week is unusual for us.  Both dear husband and I are travelling on business, and will be in different countries;  him in Tokyo and I will be in Kuala Lumpur.  I cannot remember the last time this happened.  And of course, our lovely children will be in Singapore.

Funny how, I feel time deprived when I am in Singapore.  I yearned for more time in the day and time to do things that I would do for myself.  I would love a more leisurely morning or have a bit more sleep.  Perhaps finish up sorting out our family photos without being interrupted every 5 minutes.

Then I would travel for business and have all the time in the world (other than work, of course).  And I would miss the crazy life back in Singapore.  I miss dear husband and my kids.  I would return to the hotel room and have dinner alone, watch “Law and Order” until late and long to hold my kids and kiss them good night.

Last night, I had a business dinner and it ran late.  I could not call my kids as they were already asleep.  So as of now, I am suffering a bit from being not connected to them for about 24 hours now.  Luckily, I was able to exchange my day with dear husband via instant messaging.  That helped a bit.

So this morning I did a bit of research on the ways people keep connected with their family while travelling.  There were so many suggestions and here are some that I think were awesome.  Enjoy, I have!

http://www.vagabondish.com/communication-traveling-skype-cell-phones-calling-cards/

http://www.eurocheapo.com/blog/tips-for-staying-in-touch-while-traveling-abroad.html

http://matadorabroad.com/how-to-stay-in-touch-with-kids-while-traveling/

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2144987/top_5_ways_to_stay_in_touch_with_friends.html?cat=16

http://www.havepack.com/keeping-in-touch-while-traveling/

“There is never enough time to do everything, but there is always enough time to do the most important thing.” – Brian Tracy

Time.  Something I don’t have enough.  Too many things to do and too little time.

Or, that is the excuse I give myself.

Recently, I saw a video that showed a Japanese man, got up, prepared breakfast, got dressed and ate breakfast and out of the door for work, in 4 minutes and 52 seconds.  In the video, he invented a lot of shortcuts to get things done e.g. how to brush teeth and wear your pants at the same time (I have pigued your interest there ).  It was pretty funny when I saw it.

Really, there is enough time but I just need to PRIORITISE.  Big word, but what does it mean?  It means I have to be time-disciplined (not sure if this is an official term, but if not, you heard it here first!).  I have to pull myself away from the facebook games that I am currently addicted to and write this post.  I have to hang out the laundry first so while the clothes are drying, I can sweep the floor.  It means I have to stop doing laundry or sweeping the floor and answer the question that my 4 year old is asking.

Time-discipline means that I have to do the most important thing first and go down the list.  Whenever a more important thing arises, I do that thing first.  That’s easy, but why do I have so much trouble?

There are 2 main reasons:

1. Distractions
   The Internet, a TV program, a messy house – these things distract me from finishing the most important things.
2. Avoidance
   The most important things normally take patience and time and sometimes, tedious.  So I avoid doing them.  I tend to do the easy-to-complete (read: unimportant) things first, leaving precious little time to do the really important things.

Not hard really.  Just a very conscious effort to do the most important things first.