This is the season of Advent. It is the period before Christmas that I am supposed to be preparing for the coming of Christ. To be ready when He comes knocking at my door. I think I have a lot of work ahead of me!

This is also the end of the calendar year 2011. Average year for me. And because it is the end of the year, I am preparing for many things; preparing for the coming of the year 2012.

In the year 2012,

My father-in-law will be undergoing chemotherapy and radiotherapy for the cancer we found just barely weeks ago.
My eldest son will be entering a new phase of his education life – Secondary 1 – in a new school and hopefully, a renewed love for learning.
My daughter will have a very busy year, training for SYF and getting her ballet Grade 4 exam over with.
My third son will be entering formal school at Primary 1.
My youngest will be preparing for the change in routine as he will be the only one left going to the childcare centre.
My husband and I are winding down for 2011 but preparing for the challenges we are going to face in 2012 – whether with our work or personal lives.

All changing, all preparing.

Am I looking forward to the new year? Yes for the most parts. I like the feeling of starting over again. Right the wrongs and start afresh. I like the process of preparing. This gives me the chance to plan and forecast ahead.

Perhaps I will have a more faithful prayer life.
Perhaps I will lose the weight that I have been trying to for the past year.
Perhaps I will be more discipline in taking my vitamins and getting regular exercise in.
Perhaps I will have more work-life balance.
Perhaps I will be able to manage my time better and get in more posts.
Or more time with the kids and dear husband.
Perhaps.

The possibilities seem endless and I get to make new decisions – hopefully better ones than last year’s.

I like preparing, looking forward and perhaps…just this year, I may be able to change something about myself or my life for the better.

I went to mass as I always do during lunchtime on Wednesday.

It was the Feast Day of St Clare of Assisi.  During the homily, the priest spoke about how she had taken to a life of poverty, abstinence from meat, speaking only when necessary.  A life of simplicity and detachment.  A life focus on the choice she made as a faithful disciple.

Have I lost my focus in life when I rush around busily?  When I tell my 4 year old that I am busy and is unable to read to him?  Or watch my daughter’s latest dance moves?  Or not being able to go swimming with them, because I am much too tired from all the housework?  Or wave my eldest away when he tried to tell me the book he just finished?

Have I stop working to live, but instead now live to work?  Have I forgotten how to live and my life is now define by work?  What am I working for?  If it is for a material object, can I do without?

Can I learn to be like St Clare and live a life of simplicity and detachment?

I am 36 and have since lost 3 friends to life for 3 different reasons.

J was my secondary school classmate. I remember him to be one of the top performers in class. Me…I was mediocre and when the O levels draw near, he offered to help a group of us. He was quiet and silent in his ways. He came from a poor family and does not have a home phone which was very rare 20 years ago.

We parted ways and did not really kept in touch when we entered university. I heard he got a scholarship and went to Cambridge. I attended a class gathering during that time, and he was there. He was even more unusual then. He also told me he found God but I could tell he was not happy.

Years later, I heard he checked himself into Woodbridge to cope with his depression. I heard he did not do well in Cambridge and could not cope with the failure. He did some jobs but was not able to cope with life in general.

One morning on my way to breakfast with my mum, we saw my family electrician walking towards us. He did not seem to see us and was holding something in his hands. My mum then called him and he pulled out a photo of J and said that J was his elder son. J had jumped off a building not far from where we were staying. I was shocked to find out the relationship and also very much affected seeing J’s photo and finding out this way. It was Valentine’s day and I had the ugly job of informing all my friends. Some of us went to the funeral but I did not.

S was my senior in the course that I was taking. He always had his Ray Bans with him and never did what he was told. He was the ultimate cool bean in class and all the girls swooned over him, despite his average looks.

He was smart and never really had to study too hard to do well. He was active in a student organisation that I was also a part of. He was crazy about Calvin and Hobbes and had the rest of us crazy about it as well. He was a very close friend and he helped me through the difficult times during my uni days. He also took me to the Science prom and remembered he bought me a single rose. I never had romantic notions about S but he certainly was the big brother I never had.

I loved him so when that phone call came to tell me that he was killed in an accident years after we graduated, the sadness and regrets all came crashing down. We kept in touch now and then but we stopped being in each other’s life. He was trying to navigate a bend in the rain when he crashed onto a tree. He was instantly killed.

Looking down at S’s lifeless body in the coffin, with the handiwork of the embalmer who had the job of making an accident victim look “repaired”, tears rolled down my face.

I knew C the longest, since we were 13. We were never close individually but as a team with the other members of our class, we were tight. Even as we grew up into our adult skins, we never really lost touch as once in a while someone would organise a reunion.

C was great at basketball despite his big size and very fast on the court. He was the eldest in class (in terms of actual brithdate) and so we called him “Lao Da” for the “eldest one”. He was quiet and did well enough to enter the polytechnic of his choice. What I did not know that when he was doing his National Service, he was diagnosed with diabetes.

The last time I met and talk to him which was during a wedding of a classmate, D, in the same class, he admitted that he was young and stupid and did not really care to take care of his condition. He ate as he liked and did not take medications. Subsequently, he lost one of his leg, knee downwards, to gangrene. He was wearing a prosthetic while tell us this story at the wedding. While I was shocked to find out, I encouraged him and even told him we need to meet again for a gathering.

I accidently found out about his death from D’s facebook. I was very angry and resentful of D for not telling us. Apparently, later on D admitted that he too found out from another friend, who also found out by accident. He did not even thought to inform us. Again, I delivered the bad news to the group. One of our other friends who knew C’s parents visited them. It was more than a month after by then. C was not feeling well and was sick in bed when he started to feel breathless. He was sent to the hospital and the doctor said that although his heart was weak, he was stablised. He died that night of complications with his family around him.

It was hard coping with the loss as DH was on a business trip when I found out. I still have not visited the columbarium to see him. I am not sure I can stand seeing his picture and not him.

Note: This post was originally posted on my personal blog on 10 March, 2009.

I attend Mass every Wednesday at lunchtime.  It is about 10 mins walk from where I work.  Since it is a dance studio that is converted for conducting Mass, every effort is made to to make the environment as peaceful as possible. 

At the front right-hand corner of the studio, there is a banner.   This is what is embroidered on it.

“Come to me all you who labour and are overburdened and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28

Whenever I see this verse, I think of God’s arms outstretched towards me and I can finally throw all my cares away and be safely embraced.  Being a working mother, time is a scarce commodity.  To be able to spend half an hour during the work week allows me a small space in my life for some peace.  It allows me to quiet my soul and reconnect with God.  I often return to the office with a packed lunch and a still heart.

It is not easy to make this effort.  Meetings and datelines overwhelm me all the time.  If I do not schedule and protect this time on my calendar, I will not get the temporary reprieve from my worldly responsibilities.  It is also tempting to not make the effort as it may seem like one more thing to do.  The irony is that if I take the time to do this one thing every week, then every week seems to run better and I can run better.

Do you have time for God and for some peace in your calendar?

My husband gave his a co-worker a ride today.  They chatted in the car and when he got back, he shared her story with me.  Her name is Rachel*.  She and her husband Dan*, are Malaysians working in Singapore.  For those of you out there who are not aware, geographically Malaysia and Singapore are close neighbours.  It is very common for folks to travel for work in the neighbouring country.

Since they are on work permits, they are living in rented public housing.  They have 2 small children back home in Malaysia, but they do not see them often.  Rachel is a hardware technician while Dan works as a technician in an oil refinery.  They receive relatively low wages due to their lower educational background.  Dan often have to pick up overtime, from 8.30am to 10pm at night, so as to work towards a better future.

Then, there is another story of Ling*.  She, like Rachel, works here in Singapore from Malaysia.  Ling and her husband, Lee*, just had a baby girl.  But as she is not a Singaporean, she only gets 2 months of maternity leave instead of 4.  After 2 months, she left her baby in her hometown in Ipoh to come back to work here in Singapore.  Due to their low income, they can only afford to go back to Ipoh every few months.

My husband also shared a story he heard from a friend.  Many people from rural China leave their hometowns to get a job in big cities.  They beg and borrow and scrap up enough money to make the trip to the city.  There they work in hard labour jobs with low wages.  Often, these men are not able to visit their families for years on end and some for the rest of their lives.  Their families live from hand to mouth on the wages the men send home and are seldom able to visit them as well.

It is when I hear of stories of hardship like these that I remember that I have a lot to be grateful about. 

I am lucky to have parents who insisted on a good education and pushed me to achieve what I can.  With a degree, I was able to get a good job.  With a good education, it provided me with strong and solid stepping stones to get to where I want to be.  I am grateful to have a strong a supportive family and family in-law.  I am grateful that even with 4 kids, my husband and I can enjoy the occasional Starbuck coffee or a 3 day holiday in Phuket.

I am grateful that I get to see my kids grow up.  I have the chance of being close to them and be a support to them.  I get to see them florish under my care and sprout strong wings to fly.  I am grateful for my friends who are always there for me, for better or for worse.

I am grateful for my husband, who not only is my best friend and soul mate, but also my pillar of strength.  He is whom I would want to spend the rest of my life with.

Most of all, I am grateful for my faith and the ability to practice it here in Singapore.  I know of people who are ostracised or even killed for proclaiming their faith.

Life is hard, but for some, it is particularly hard.  We can keep complaining about our aches and pain, or we can choose to take them in our stride.  We can stay selfish and only see our own suffering, or we can reach out to others who need a helping hand.  We can lament about how our friends and neighbours are doing better than us, or we can learn to be content with what we have.  We can choose to stay miserable and only exist, or we can choose to be happy and live.

What is your choice? 

*names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals

The title of this post suggest that I might be very old, have lots of life experiences or just plain contemplative today.

I am 36, so hopefully not that old, yes do have some life experiences and definitely very contemplative today. I am on leave from work today and this is something I am not accustomed to. You will realise as you read this post that I do not take leave for no reason at all, in case I need them in emergencies. So why have I broken my own rule?

I have a full time job, a large family with 4 kids and multiple family members to manage. I am the wife, mother, business manager, financial officer, doctor, nurse, chef, teacher, disciplinarian, cleaner and whatever people need or want me to be.

I took leave today because I have quite a few days to clear. Simple reason. As I sit here in my home office, I remember the advice I got on how to spend this day.

“Just do nothing, put up your feet and relax and be yourself.”
“Go have a massage or just think about your life and what you achieve so far, what you want to achieve going forward.”

I pondered over this for a week. This is the day and I still don’t have a plan.

I had a bad night with my youngest son and woke up feeling really tired. After sending the kids out the door to the child care centre, I had a quick breakfast with DH. He had to get to work early to day and thus could not have our usual more leisurely breakfast.

I started off switching on my laptop. I even set up a few work conference calls for clients and answered a few emails. Then Facebook. I must make sure I log in so that I get my free ingredients for my game, Restaurant City. Then I proceed to harvest some corn and potatoes in Happy Farm. I read some of the feed and then login to clear my personal mail. 9.30am and still no plan.

It was then that I realise, I don’t need a plan. Just do what I want and what I like or what just comes. The point is to take it easy. I don’t need to have the usual to-do list that I will check off as the day goes. The point is to rest and not think too much. This crazy world certainly did not help with the increasing pace everyday and the need to achieve and squeeze as much work as possible into the day.

Here am I typing this blog and enjoying myself. Putting in writing one day of my life. Hopefully when I read this in the future, I will be able to gain something about myself and my life. Perhaps even put things into perspective.

Which is the whole point of today right? Okay need to get that nature walk in before lunch so that I can go for a relaxing manicure.

Or not.

Note: This post was originally posted on my personal blog on 17 June, 2009.