I have my gorgeous, lacy, blue hipster panty on today.  Okay before you report me to the authorities, let me explain myself.

Wearing that blue hipster makes me feel good about myself.  Makes me feel like a confident, cool and sexy woman; that I could do anything I want.  I know, sounds shallow and trivial right?  But look at the lingerie industry; millions of dollars change hands!  The Victoria Secrets of the world (by the way, my hipster is from VS) are the ones making big bucks (no returns policy!).

I am sure all of the working mothers out there agrees with me (whether secretly or not!) that there are certain pieces of lingerie that inspires us more than others!  I wish I have more of these nice lingerie but sensibility wins most of the time.

As a working mother, my family comes first.  I’d rather pay for a $300 art class for my child than a $300 teddy for myself; a month’s supply of food than the newest bra and panty set; pay for the electricity bill than the hipster panty in another colour!  You get the idea.  Most of my undergarments consist of sale items, out of fashion items, items that even grannies would be embarrass to own.  Not items that would help me with my mental image of myself.

The penny dropped for me in my bathroom today as I was putting my hipster on.

I don’t have to depend on a piece of undergarment to feel good about myself.  I can feel invincible anytime I want.  All I have to do is to look into my mental cupboard and take out the attitude that would help me feel like a confident, cool and sexy woman.  I can wear this attitude all of the time (no need for laundry) and feel good about myself all of the time!

Now to save up enough dough to buy some gorgeous, lacy new lingerie to match my new attitude!  Shopping anyone?

Okay admit it. If you are not going to, I am. I am a perfectionist. There I said it.

As a working mother, there simply was no room for anything else. No compromises. The sheets have to be creaseless; the management report free of spelling errors; meals must be nutritious; kids must be dressed nicely; husbands must be kept happy; workmates must be kept impressed; the sales presentation must be professional; it must look effortless when entertaining friends, the house must be spotless and the food absolutely delish; I must look like I am Martha Stewart and Oprah Winfrey all rolled into one.

Back to earth, I think it is time I cut myself some slack. I can never be perfect, even though I should do my absolute best in everything I do, I can never be perfect.  I am not meant to be perfect, that’s why I need God. I am not meant to be perfect, that’s why I don’t have to be emotionally balanced all of the time.  I am not meant to be perfect, that’s why I make mistakes (is that even possible?).

Here are 10 ways how I give myself the permission to NOT be perfect. As I am not perfect, I fall down sometimes, trying to do some of these things.

1. It is okay for the kids clothes not to match up nicely when we go out.
2. It is okay to encounter difficulties managing a project at work; that’s what they pay me for.
3. It is okay that the food does not look like the food pictures in Nigella’s cookbook.
4. It is okay that the house is not spotless or the laundry is backed up.
5. It is okay to say “No” to another church meeting. God is not counting.
6. It is okay that Martha will never approve of the home made decorations for Christmas that look like roadkill.
7. It is okay that  I forgot about the conference call I was supposed to attend.
8. It is okay that I cannot find what I need because my filing is not up to date.
9. It is okay to freak out once in a while, making sure I don’t do it too many times, irritating dear husband.
10. Finally, it is okay not to have alphabetised cans in my larder.

Perhaps you should start writing your own list?  Relax, it does not need to be perfect.

When I first started work, I only had a pager.  For those of you who remember, these are small gadgets that one could call with the phone number that you want the owner to call back on.  Often, my dear husband (at that time my dear boyfriend) and I would send each other codes like 9-12-21 to say “I love you”.  Basic but it worked.   Other than pre-arranged codes, there was no other way of contacting each other on the road and we all lived that way.

So in came the mobile phones.  My dear husband skipped lunches to save for a mobile phone for me.  It was an Ericsson (Sony has not bought Ericsson yet) and probably twice the size of any average phone now.  All it could do was call out, receive calls – there was no option to do texting or play games, much less surf the web or take pictures.

I cherished that phone.  It was a sign of my dear husband’s devotion to my well being.  It lasted for years and was really reliable.  It meant that there were less missed connections and we were able to get each other easily.

Then there was the laptop.  The first laptop I got was a company issued machine that was used by my predecessor.  It was a chunky Toshiba and would hang several times a day, despite my best efforts to keep it in good health.  I assured you that it was sweared at quite a few times a day.  It was really heavy and I would get a sore shoulder carrying it around to my client sites for meetings. 

Every few years, I would get my laptop upgraded (company policy to keep up to date technologically).  I cannot remember all the in-betweens but my latest is a Fujitsu Lifebook, T series – a slick tablet, barely 1.3 kg in weight – not topline but compared to my chunky Toshiba, this is a godsend.

Between my mobile phone and my laptop, and all the fantastic technological advancements, I was able to answer emails, prepare a client presentation, do a conference call with my workmates, update my status on Facebook, chat with my friend via Instant Messaging whom I have not seen in a while online, put in an online order for my son’s birthday cake, play some games for relaxation, research on the recipes for Sunday lunch, see if my ebay item has been bought, take pictures of my kids and uploading it on Flickr, text a happy birthday wish to my sister, sync up my Outlook calendar on my mobile phone so that I would not miss my appointments and more.

I could live my whole life like this.  In reality, I could stay at home the whole day and yet still able to do what I did 10 years ago at probably half the time.

How has it changed my life?  Let’s talk about the good things first.  I am more productive and efficient.  This gives me the sense of achievement that would be few and far between in the past.  I am able to juggle better as a working mother, knowing that I could pay a bill online rather than having to queue up at the bank.  Information is just a click away so I am better informed and able to make better decisions.  I am better connected to my friends and their lives.  Things move faster with the phone and Instant messaging, thus issues get resolved faster as well.  As my kids belong to the generation of instant gratifications, by being up to date, I am staying relevant as a parent and also able to communicate with them in terms they understand.  I am writing this post, sitting at the bar counter in my kitchen – thanks to wireless technology – and having a cup of coffee at the same time.

There is always 2 sides to a coin.  Being more productive and efficient means that I am expected to do more as a professional.  This means that I am always on and stress levels go up.  Text messages from workmates and clients come around the clock; once they see you online on instant messaging, before you know it, it is 1 am in the morning.  Distraction by technology is also an issue in my life.  I often catch myself or dear husband pouring over Facebook updates and games on a weekend when we really should be spending time with family.  Every text message has to be answered and every email has to be responded to.  My kids are also addicted to surfing the web or watching videos or playing online games.  If they were not allowed to use the computer, the complain I get would be, “But I am bored!  What should I do?”.  When did kids start not know what to do with free time?

For the last few weeks, I have been shutting down my laptop and leaving it off for the entire weekend.  It is liberating and on every Monday, there is never anything that is even close to the sky falling down!  I am working on ways to changing my habit to deal with the downside of technology. 

What have you been doing to get back the part of your life that technology has taken away?

PS : I later found in my inbox an article from Simple Marriage on a similar topic, title “Leave Your Work (Mostly) At Work“!  Enjoy!

It is all about choices, isn’t it?  Life is made up of choices that we all have to make.  To marry or not, to marry this person or that, to have kids or not, to have 2 kids or 4, to work or stay home, to trust or not, to love or not – these are all choices.

Right or wrong, good or bad – we also have to live with the consequences of our choices.

Ever since I became a mother 10 years ago, I have been struggling with this one choice that I made.  Although you can say I don’t have much of a choice since we were just starting off our lives and money was important to our survival.  I chose to continue working instead of staying at home with my son. 

Subsequently, every year, I had the opportunity to revisit this choice but I never really did.  At that time, I work from home.  So even though I was working in my bedroom, I could occasionally take breaks and play with my son.

I had 8 years of bliss.  I held a great job that allowed me to hone my skills professionally and yet allowed me more connection and time with my family.  These 8 years saw me raise 3 kids.  Funny enough, during these 8 years, I often lamented about how nice to be able to work in an actual office with actual colleagues.  After 8 years, the company I was working for decided that they would have an actual physical office instead of virtual ones. 

I never knew what hit me.  It might not have been apparent to my colleagues, but my family felt the change.  In a big way.  I struggled every single day trying to cope with the change.  I was like the duck, seemingly calm above the surface, gliding along, but underneath the surface, I was paddling like crazy.

I don’t think I ever recovered from it.  I am still paddling but not as crazy as before.  Why?  Because I made some choices to keep some things the way they were and to give up other things.

This choice that I made 10 years ago, I struggle with it every single day.  My babies are growing up and I am not there enough to see it.  I crave to have more time with them, to understand and discover them, to stand by them and comfort them.  I want to stay at home and watch them grow but more than ever, I need to have a constant stream of income. 

I see my friends all around me struggling with that as well.  You might say I should get comfort from that, but I don’t.  Everytime I see a Facebook update on how they are struggling with their own problems – trying help kids adjust to school life, friends fall ill because they have no help, not enough time to love their kids – I feel sad.  Like I say, we have to live with the consequences of the choices we make.  They may not be choices that we want to make but choices we have to make – either way, we have to live with the consequences.

I know this seems like a sad and depressing post.  It is meant to be.  However, by recognizing and admitting to the conflicts and dilemmas that I face on a daily basis, by identifying my challenges – I then see how I can overcome them, how I can then make other choices that can get me out of this conflict, this dilemma. 

I know I will, I just need to choose to make that choice.

As the year closes and the new year comes upon us, did 2009 meet your expectations?  What expectations do you have of 2010?

Did you get the promotion at work or the raise you expected?  Did you close the deal you were hoping to close before the year end?  Did you change your job?

Did your kids’ results from the year end exams meet your expectations?  Did the renovations for the new house finish on time?  Did your investments recover as much as you expected?  Did your husband buy what you wanted for your birthday?

I have expectations of myself and others that I want met.  Of course, life being life, these are either not met at all or not met quite the same way I wanted.  The world cannot revolve around me and not everything will go my way, if ever.  These then contributed to the built up of disappointments that may then change my attitude towards life or to others around me.

When my kids don’t get ready in time for school in the morning, I end up yelling and screaming for them to hustle.  I neglect to see that they cannot read my mind and thus, do not know that today I have an early morning meeting and need to be early at work.

When the ballet school teacher failed to tell me that my daughter’s ballet lesson was canceled, I threw a fit in the car about how irresponsible and unorganised she was.  What I should have been doing was to celebrate the good fortune of having an extra hour of free time!

When my dear husband suggested eating out, forgetting that I had previously planned to cook lunch, I sulked and agreed grudgingly instead of appreciating the opportunity to enjoy the outing.

When I could not carve out the time from my busy life to write a post, I deemed myself lazy and unmotivated, instead of realising that I was doing pretty good for a working mother with 4 kids.

Mismanaged expectations often go out of control and either change us to something prickly and unlikeable, or prevent us from living life in the now.  Instead of focusing on the “unmet” or “mis-met” expecations, one should really just expect the unexpected, expect things to go wrong, and treat every single one of the met expectations like a bonus.

Easy to say, hard to do. 

In the rare moments that I manage this feat, the bliss and peace I feel is priceless. 

In this new year, I urge you to set realistic expectations of yourself and others.  When resolutions are not achieved at the end of the year, it is often because losing 20kg or getting a pay increment of 2,000 may not be achieveable in the first place.  This is not to say you should not set stretch goals but not so stretched that it is impossible to get to.  So stretched that you would have set yourself up for failure on the first day.

May 2010 be a year of met expectations and satisfied souls!

“There is never enough time to do everything, but there is always enough time to do the most important thing.” – Brian Tracy

Time.  Something I don’t have enough.  Too many things to do and too little time.

Or, that is the excuse I give myself.

Recently, I saw a video that showed a Japanese man, got up, prepared breakfast, got dressed and ate breakfast and out of the door for work, in 4 minutes and 52 seconds.  In the video, he invented a lot of shortcuts to get things done e.g. how to brush teeth and wear your pants at the same time (I have pigued your interest there ).  It was pretty funny when I saw it.

Really, there is enough time but I just need to PRIORITISE.  Big word, but what does it mean?  It means I have to be time-disciplined (not sure if this is an official term, but if not, you heard it here first!).  I have to pull myself away from the facebook games that I am currently addicted to and write this post.  I have to hang out the laundry first so while the clothes are drying, I can sweep the floor.  It means I have to stop doing laundry or sweeping the floor and answer the question that my 4 year old is asking.

Time-discipline means that I have to do the most important thing first and go down the list.  Whenever a more important thing arises, I do that thing first.  That’s easy, but why do I have so much trouble?

There are 2 main reasons:

1. Distractions
   The Internet, a TV program, a messy house – these things distract me from finishing the most important things.
2. Avoidance
   The most important things normally take patience and time and sometimes, tedious.  So I avoid doing them.  I tend to do the easy-to-complete (read: unimportant) things first, leaving precious little time to do the really important things.

Not hard really.  Just a very conscious effort to do the most important things first.

There is a new TV series which has caught Dear Husband’s eye, called “Flash Forward“.  Essentially, the story is about how the world blacked out AT THE SAME TIME, everyone, for 2 minutes and 17 seconds.  In this short time, almost everyone is shown a scene from their own future,not now but in 6 months time, the date of 29 April, 2010.

It is an interesting “what if?” show.  One of the characters in the show saw herself with a man, not her husband in that future vision; her husband saw a vision of someone plotting ot kill him.  I could not help but thought to myself, what if it was me having the glimpse into my future?

If I do see a glimpse of my future, would I change the way I live my life now? 

Would each of the decisions I make as a working mother change? 

Would I scold my kids less and forgive myself more? 

Would I work less and play more? 

Would I be relaxed more and let go of control more? 

Would I want less and be happy more?

What if I were to die tomorrow? What would I do then?

These are great questions to ask myself as a modern working mother.  I then to be bogged down by the day to day that I forget to look at the big picture.  What really matters in the end?

I negotiate every day – at work and at home.

I negotiate with my manager regarding my workload, I negotiate with my team regarding conflicts in datelines, I negotiate with my peers regarding assignments, I negotiate with my clients regarding what is in scope and what is not, I negotiate contracts and pricing.

I negotiate with my parents regarding babysitting times, I negotiate with the air-condition service man regarding servicing times, I negotiate with my kids regarding bedtimes and homework and dinner, I negotiate with my husband regarding who calls the estate agent to yell at him, I negotiate interest rates with the bank.

I googled  ”negotiation” and found on this website a very nice definition of the word.

“Negotiation is the art and science of securing agreement and creating value between two or more parties.”

It is more an art than science to me .  You see, I negotiate emotionally.  No, I don’t mean yelling, crying or saying hurtful words.  What I mean is that, I sense the emotions in the room, between the parties, and say the appropriate things to make things work.  I also make use of my own emotions – I suppress strong feelings like injustice or anger – but yet let displeasure or difficulty show through if I think it will help.

I may have an end state in my head but I rarely have a step by step plan.  I try not to strive to win but strive to come to common ground, that is, “creating value”.  Of course, not every negotiation I have goes well, although it does get better with age.  I will not go as far as to say I manipulate but I know what to say in order to get the other party to come to the same conclusion.  And sometimes, I just say what I need and wait for the other to respond.

And yes, sometimes my emotional negotiation ends up in tears or stomping of feet or slamming of doors, me or the other party.  At that point, it does feel bad.  It does not take me long to buck up and try another tack.  This is when I am in a relatively good place at that point of time.  If not (like if I have had a bad day), I will clam up and not want to do anything.  I am not perfect, but this is something that I am trying to change, to keep my pride in a safe place, and play nice.

If you ask me what is the one most imp0rtant thing I learn through my daily negotiations, I would tell you, the ability to keep an open mind that there is more than one way to solve the problem.  As a person with a strong personality, this is not my strong trait.  I am opinionated and have a rather straight-laced way of solving problems.  Over the years, I have learnt to listen and be open to the possibility that things can be done another way – the other person’s way.  This in turn have open my mind and improve my negotiation skills.  The question, “What do you suggest?” now features in my negotiation conversations.

I am sure all you working mothers out there negotiate like I do, on a daily basis.  What is the most important thing you have learnt going about your daily negotiation?  I would love to hear from you.