“Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.” ~ Robert Browning (1812-1889)

My dear husband came up with an activity, for lack of a better word, for every Friday at breakfast.  He said both of us must tell each other something that the other did not know.  This is probably the 4th week now.  It was such a great idea until I had to really think of something.  Afterall we have been married for more than a decade.  What else do we not know about each other?  Funny enough, when the both of us try really hard, we actually could think of things we did not know about each other.  Every Friday breakfast, we have 2 new topics to talk about.  Sometimes, we don’t even have enough time to finish our conversation as we needed to get to work!

Imagine, having not enough time to talk about each other!  Not about our stressful jobs, our 4 lovely kids, our wonderful family but about ourselves.  For that half hour every week, I learn more about my husband and he about me.  We reconnect, despite our very busy lives.  For that very short period, the world around us melts into the background and it is just us.

I read this post recently on Simple Marriage,  ”Am I too busy for marriage?“.  That question loomed large in my mind as I read it.  Am I too busy for marriage?  Do we remember who we are and who our spouse is?  It is so important to see the other person as the person we love and want to spend the rest of our lives with.  Not just the parent of my children, not just the other person with the paycheck, not someone we share our bed with.

My dear husband is also my best friend, confidate, lover, coach and the person whom I chose to journey with.  He may not be everything to me (there is also God, kids and the rest of the clan!), but he means a lot to me.  As he said to my son in the car, “Mummy is very important to me so I want to know everything about her!”.

Well, I want to know everything about him.  And yes, grow old with him…

What about you?  Have you found time in your busy schedules to reconnect with your spouse?

Buy Me a Rose by Luther Vandross

He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants
But it tears her apart ‘cause nothing’s for her heart
He pulls in late to wake her up with a kiss goodnight
If he could only read her mind, she’d say…

Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life

Now the days have grown to years of feelin’ all alone
As she sits and wonders if all she’s doin’ is wrong
‘Cause lately she’d try anything just to turn his head
Would it make a difference if she said, if she said…

Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life

And the more that he lives the less that he tries
To show her the love that he holds inside
And the more that she gives the more that he sees
This is the story of you…and me
So I bought you a rose on the way home from work
To open the door to a heart that I hurt
And I hope you notice this look in my eyes
‘Cause I’m gonna make things right for the rest of your life
And I’m gonna hold you tonight, tonight
Do all those little things for the rest of your life

Everytime I hear this song on the radio, it reminds me to pay attention to the things that really matter in my life, especially in my marriage.  Although the day to day living is important, the Really Important things in a marriage are the ones that look after the heart.

Dear Husband and I have a book for couples that provides a scripture reading and a reflection/story for every day of the year.  It then gives a related discussion topic and prayer.  When we have time, we will read the passage for the day before bedtime.

2 nights ago, the passage was about pleasing one’s mate; whether we thought about each other in our daily lives.  The discussion topic was then for each of us to come up with 3 things that would help our mate please us.  As we talked, I realised that we already were doing many things that pleased each other.  However, as I delved deeper and gently encourage my Dear Husband to come up with 3 things, he brought up one that really bothered him.

You see, I have always been a strongly opinionated woman.  I am well read and so always have something to say about almost everything, whether or not anyone is listening - in other words, I am irrepressible.  So during many occasions, I express myself rather strongly, sometimes with no thought about how Dear Husband might feel.  He shared that when I cut him off during conversations or answer questions on his behalf, it annoys and irritates him.  This does not help to better our marriage and in fact, even hurt him at times.

I acknowledged his feelings about this issue and reassured him that I was aware of this tendency of mine; that I am taking steps to change this.  I have to admit that it was difficult to listen to him and I felt myself getting defensive.  However, when I held my tongue and really listened, I learnt about the situations when I really hurt my Dear Husband, and how I could have avoided them.

With 4 kids and full time jobs, we don’t always have the time to really listen to each other’s needs.  While I need to express my needs, it is also vitally important to listen to Dear Husband’s needs.  I am grateful that we had the chance to talk about our needs and the opportunity to better my marriage relationship.

Are you listening to your mate?  What are the 3 things you can do to please your mate?

Now to put things into perspective, the regular bedtime in my household is 9pm for the kids.  It was 9.30pm when she asked.  The late bedtime is due to the fact that the family had visited THE newest location to visit – Marina Barrage – in the afternoon, followed by dinner out at a Japanese restaurant.

She then proceeded to sulk and stamped her feet to her bed.  Later, on she complained to her father that we have not done that specific family activity for a while.  My dear husband proceeded to soothe and comfort her, while massive amount of guilt then built up in my heart.  I then shaked my head and stood firm in my decision.

The reason I said no, was because I wanted to protect the couple time we had after the kids go to bed.  This is fiercely guarded by me as I realised that if we don’t respect this time, then as a couple, we will not have time alone.  “After 9pm” is a time slot that I treasure and look forward to.  Sometimes we may do our own things quietly; other times, we may do some planning together; but most times we spend the time together, watching TV with a glass of wine in hand.  This makes sure that even in the hustle and bustle of our family life, we still remember that our marriage comes before the children.

What did she just say?  Yes, make no mistake about it, I place my marriage before my children.  If the pillars of the family are weak, then how can the family be strong?  Only when my marriage is thriving that my children would have a secure and loving environment to grow up in.  We will then be setting a good examples for them to follow when they one day become someone else’s spouses.

If I were to put my children first, over the years, my marriage would deteriorate.  Even if the big D word never cross our lips, by the time we retire, we will be ready to go our separate ways.  I will wake up one morning and wonder who is this person sleeping next to me.  I want to remember the reason we got married every single day; I want to keep our love and passion alive; I want to grow old with my dear husband.

So whenever I have to make a decision to choose, then more often then not, I will choose to spend time with my dear husband. 

I hear him coming out of the shower, so until the next post…