Many feelings go through me as I watch the boys wore their new uniforms proudly. Of course, the moment is sometimes lost in their complaining about the scratchy shirts. Amidst their complaining however, the pride and smiles never left their faces. Or mine for that matter. My boys are growing up.

I am lucky to be able to work from home these few days and witness this metamorphosis first hand. Long term however, my mother will come daily to help me with No. 3 as he attends school in the afternoon session. After lunch, she will fetch him to school and then leave for home.

This would allow me to continue working. It’s funny. After today, my job seemed to have dropped to a lower priority.

You see, being able to work from home, I was able to cook breakfast, fuss over all the kids, play a board game with No. 3, cook lunch, watch him eat and welcome my No. 1 home and watch him eat the remainder of lunch. This is way more fun and way more worth it than a regular job. I am sure many mummies out there would tell me to wake up. “See if you would feel the same way after days or weeks of the same stuff!”

Perhaps. But for now, it is great to be able to watch my kids grow and flourish. Difficult and painful at times, maybe it is time I make a change myself.

A few weeks ago, I recieve a note from my son’s school saying that they will be putting him and his cohort through a 3-day Adam Khoo’s motivation and study workshop, SuperKids. I was invited to attend a parent’s workshop on the third day, during which they will share with us what the kids have learnt. And that, we as parents would be able to continue to reinforce the principles and better support them for the upcoming PSLE examination – the big one.

I am always supportive of my children and will try my best to attend every performance, workshop, parent-teacher conference and briefing. So I signed the consent form to say yes, that dear husband and I will go.

Today came and there was a schedule conflict, with a church meeting which occur at the same time. We were both needed in both places, so as usual, we splitted up and each took one event. Dear husband went for the church meeting and I went for the parent workshop.

At first the workshop begin quite innocuously. With a fairly humorous facilitator, Amin, the session was conducted in a light-hearted manner but addressed messages that were very important. It was a bit warm and very humid in the school hall as it was not air-conditioned. I looked around, the parents attending the session seemed bored and no one was taking notes. Although I felt a bit conscious about taking notes, I was never one to shun away from curious looks. So I took down the important points – some from the slides that was shown and others from anecdotes and stories that were shared by Amin.

Points covered were as follows:
What does it take to be successful in learning? Attitude and Skills.
What are the challenges faced by students? There were many!
What is the reason for studying? For self and for the future
Leaders Live with 100% responsibility
Aimless Exist, blaming others, complaining about situations, and making excuses
Encouragement from parents help with self love and self esteem in kids

Then, Amin asked the kids if they have a goal, a dream that they wanted to attain. Some wanted to be doctors, others business owners and one girl wanted to be a teacher. My son stood up when asked if anyone wanted to be a business owner. He bravely stood up and told his friends and all the parents present that he wantedto start a software company.

Hmmm…I thought to myself, that was something that I did not know about.

Then Amin proceeded to demonstrate with a simple game how easily distracted we can all become, how easily influenced we all can be. He told us to follow his spoken instructions, touching shoulders, ears and head. He then increased the speed and in one instance instructed us to touch the shoulders but touched his ears instead. I will be lying if I said I did as I was told – when Amin touched his ears, I subconciously also touched my ears even though I quickly correct myself and touched my shoulders. His point was if we can be distracted and influenced, so can our kids.

Parents set examples and kids watch and learn. If we do not participate 100%, committ 100%, then how can we expect the kids to do so?

Okay I got the point.

Then the session went on to talk about:
How we should rename failures as learning experiences
How when things don’t work, change your strategy
How if we don’t pay attention to our kids, they will look for attention elsewhere

At this point, I thought, most of these things I know and even practise most. I am doing good.

Amin proceeded to talk about how encouragement affect our kids and why computer games were so addictive. He shared that encouragement given by parents should be frequent and specific. Parents should never be sarcastic or do a comparison with other kids. He turned the tables and gave an example of how a mother would feel if she were told the food she painstakingly cooked was not tasty and cannot be compared to her sister-in-law. Wow…that touched a nerve!

Whenever I felt frustrated with my son, I would push all his buttons by being sarcastic and comparing him with his sister. I was ugly and argumentative and such confrontations never end well and always in tears. I suddenly realised that this workshop was for us parents but not just to share what the kids have gone through but to appeal for our support and encouragement in a more positive manner. This was a cry for us parents, to committ, to change, to support, and to be completely and utterly 100% in this very important relationship.

In a daze, I listened to:
How emotions are important
How choices have consequences
How Visual, Auditory and Kinestatic learning is important
How the kids drew Whole Brain Notes, that is, Mind Maps
How to talk to your kids so they will listen – Being Positive, Power of Praise and Accentuate the Positives

Then Amin showed us a video on the Hoyt father and son. It brought tears to everyone who was there. I wept as I felt the parents’ devastation in finding out their son has celebral palsy, how they ignored the doctor’s advice to put him in an institution and took him home, how they supported him unconditionally and helped him to learn to communicate with a computer and most importantly how a father ran hundreds of races just to help his son feel freed of his handicap.

I started to question myself – Am I 100% committed to this relationship with my son?

Then came the climax of the workshop. The kids were asked to stand up on stage and talk about how they felt after these 3 days. My son, my first born, put up his hand and went up on stage. I was so emotional I forgot to record it for dear husband! I managed to get the second half with my iPhone but my hands were shaking and I was crying openly by then.

“Hi my name is Chong-Yu and I am from 6 Confidence. I want to thank my parents. My mother and my father worked very hard for us. I have 3 other brothers and sister so I know it is not easy. Even though they cannot buy me iPhone and iPods, they always give 100% to me and I want to thank them. I love you.”

As the kids went up to stage to talk about their feelings one by one, the raw display of love and gratitude touched me in very unexpected ways. I was sitting in the front row and did not turn to see the reactions of the other parents – but I felt their pride, love and overwhelming emotions as they experienced this open sharing.

At the end of the session, the kids were told to hug their parents and showed them the notes they wrote for them. I hugged my son and read my note. I was really proud of him. They closed the session with a song, “If we hold on together” and an encouraging address from the principal.

As we walked to the car together, my son told me that it was meant to be a surprise for me to see him go on stage, and how nervous he had felt. I praised his efforts and told him how well he spoke. He asked me if I was proud of him. I told him that his father and I will always be proud of him. Most importantly, as Amin said, he should be proud of himself. The smile and peace on his face I got in return was priceless.

The 3 hours I spent was most meaningful and certainly open a window of understanding between myself and my son. I have always known that Chong-Yu is a very special gift from God and I will be forever grateful for the opportunity to be his mother.

“Hi my name is Sam and I am Chong-Yu’s mother. I want to say how much I love him and how proud of him I am. I also want to ask for his forgiveness during thetimes that I was not 100% committed to our relationship and I pledge to do better in the future. I also want to thank him for allowing me to be his mother. I love you, son.”

Dear husband and I visited a garden last weekend to shop for herbs that I use frequently in my cooking.  All the plants were clearly labeled with care instructions – frequency of watering, how much sun and most importantly, different types of fertilizers.  I commented that they must have tested each type of fertilizer to see with which one would the plant grow the best.  Perhaps grow bigger leaves or larger fruits.

We were talking over breakfast this morning, it was about one of our favorite  topic – our 4 beautiful kids.  They were all different – No.1 is a creative story writer, No.2 a fantastically accomplished dancer, No.3 is a visual artist and No.4 is the crazy musician!  As we joined the dots from the different types of plants to our 4 different kids, we realized that we need to use different “fertilizers” for our different kids.

Kids were gifted to us, created differently.  They have different talents, different interests and different needs.  If we encourage, stimulate and support in the ways that they need, they would flourish and grow to the fullest potential.  Conversely, if we remove the stimulations they need, they may be stunted and will not grow as well.

Port that idea to our modern day life.  No.3 watches a lot of television.  He even calls himself “The TV Man”.  I had worry about this and tried on many occasions to distract him with other activities.  Dear husband then made a good point this morning when he said that No. 3 is so visual that he probably needs the stimulation from the television programs.  The images are not merely images, they are tools to him.  Tools and skills that he is building up to be used.  Just on Sunday, our dear boy used 2 spades of different shapes, put them against his face and then proceeded to tell everyone he is a diver.  We were amazed as he would have to have the image in his head to make it up! Trust me, he really looked like a diver!  Obviously he has a very different and interesting visual perspective on things.

Okay lady, you are trying to justify letting your kid watch TV on your blog? Maybe but I think when it comes to my offspring, I will do whatever it takes to help them grow.  If it means going against the general societal norms, I am willing to take the risk.  I did not even talk about the growth in academic performance as I believe that if I “fertilize” my kids in the right way, success will come, with or without academic brilliance.

After all, I am taking a leaf from my daughter’s book.

I was told after 4 years of ballet lessons, that anatomically, she is not suitable to be a ballet dancer!  But this was followed by her teachers saying how she has methodically corrected and eradicated each and every one of her weaknesses.  All these time, I had no idea that she was struggling and working so hard to get to the standard that was expected of her.  However, I am happy to say that both dear husband and I were always supportive throughout, whether it was time, money, being there to attend all her performances and moral support before all the events.  Now, with 3 public performances, 2 examinations and 1 competition behind her, she is one of the best dancers in her class.

Perhaps I have a rock star on my hands if I give No.4 an electric guitar and the next Stephen King if I give my eldest professional writing classes?  The possibilities are endless, if we would just allow them to happen.

http://www.mummysg.com/forums/f97/being-special-parenting-child-medical-conditions-15948/

I stumbled upon this forum when I was surfing.  As I read the many posts, tears ran down my face.  It did not help matters when I found out this morning that a girl friend lost her baby at 4.5 months.

How I have taken my kids for granted!  How I have squandered the gifts that my God has so gracefully showered upon me!  How I have been so self-centred, selfish and unloving!

It reminds me of the story that was circulated in the internet some years back. 

It was about this mother, in queue for coffee and complaining about her kids to her friend, saying how messy they were and how frustrated she was cleaning the house.  The woman behind her tap her on her shoulder and told her that her house is clean, there are no footprints, things are never messy.  The reason was because some years back, she lost all her kids in a car accident.  Now she wishes that her house is messy, footprints everywhere and that there are dirty clothes on the floor.

How easy it is to get lost in the daily grind and forget about the important things in life!  I am going back home tonight to hug my kids a second time, kiss them hard and tell them that I love them, no matter what.  I may still nag about the messy house but I will not quite mean it.  I pledge to remember that I must give thanks every single day for my 4 gifts and not only think about myself.

Have you hug your kids today?

Children are too dependent on their parents these days.  In Singapore, with both parents working, either the foreign helper or grandparents are the main caretakers.  Instead of holding the children responsible, these caretakers find it easier just to do everything themselves.  It takes too long and it is too tiring to nag at them when you have so many other things to do.

As such, the kids end up not having the necessary life skills to survive in the outside world.  My eldest came back from his Primary 5 Adventure camp with a story of a fellow school mate not knowing how to wash his own plate after meals.  The teachers had to teach him how to do it.  My son was shocked and expressed that he truly appreciated us making him learn how to clean up after meals.  If this boy does not even know how to wash his own plate, what other things does he not know how to do?

Our education system is only meant to make sure all the 3 R’s (wRiting, Reading, aRithmetic) are taught.  Often there is no time to delve into the area of life skills too deeply.  Sure, all our schools have activities that help in promoting independence, but it is not enough when these concepts are not reinforced at home.  The boy from the camp may have learnt how to wash his plate at the camp but he would slowly lose that skill if he does not need to do it at home.

Yes, eventually they will learn after many painful experiences and bad decisions.  But instead of pushing them out into the world after formal education with little or no life skills, why not teach them when they are young?  When the stakes are not as high?  When mistakes may be painful but not likely to have permanent damage?  When they are eager to learn?  All it really takes is to weave it into our daily lives.

Both my dear husband and I are working full time.  Like a lot of parents in Singapore, have very little time with them as it is.  However, on the weekends, my kids are expected to help around the house. 

The older kids (9 and 11) are asked to do the following tasks:

• clean up after meals
• fold their own clothes
• help the younger ones with brushing of teeth
• read to the younger ones
• pack their own rooms
• help strap the younger ones in the car if we go out
• help carry groceries from the car
• take out the trash

The younger ones (3 and 5) are asked to do the following tasks:

• pack up the toys after playing
• go to the bathroom and wash their hands without help
• pour their own drinks
• bring their plate and cutlery to the sinks after meals
• dress themselves after showers
• put on their own footwear

In our daily conversations with them, we also tell them (yes even the younger ones):

• how to say no to a pushy salesperson
• what to do during a fire
• how to pack a suitcase
• how to stop a bleeding finger
• educate them on stranger danger
• how to fry an egg
• how to keep safe on the internet
• about sex education
• how to manage finances

Some other things that I would love to teach them down the road are :

• how to read a map
• how to perform the Heimlich maneuver and CPR
• how to grocery shop wisely and look at prices carefully
• how to read a food label
• how to manage conflict more effectively
• how to read a bill
• how to manage stress by learning relaxation techniques
• how to sew a button

It is not enough to be paranoid and stop our kids from living their lives, controlling what they do or who they talk to.  They will grow up whether you like it or not.  Having these skills will help keep them street smart and safe from your worst nightmares.  One day, you will have to let go, and knowing they are well equipped, together with a good education, will help you sleep better at night.

What tools are you giving your kids to equip them for life?

Examinations are over and holidays are around the corner.  This is when the mad rush for holiday courses, meet the cartoon characters at the mall, special trips to the Science Centre gets planned out.  God forbid, one of them should mouth the words,”Mum! I am bored!”.

Over the years, I have developed a list of websites to check on to see what I can plan for a more interesting and productive holiday for my kids.  This will also expose them to various activities and interests in a bid to find their passion in life.  At a minimum, they can say they have tried it and had fun.

It was all in my head but in the true spirit of decluttering my mind, I will put it in an organised list for everyone.  Please feel free to share in the comments section what your own list so everyone can benefit from it.

Here’s my list.  All of the websites I go to research for activities below, most likely have an email subscription service or a Facebook page that you can join.  I do it for the ones that interest my family most so I don’t miss out on the interesting stuff. 

1. People’s Association
   The People’s Association has a wide range of activities and courses for both the young and old.  Lifestyle courses like yoga or cooking appeals to all ages. They also have a section specifically for the kiddies.  Booking can be done online.  Most courses are held in Community Clubs – so you can choose the one nearest to home or where the kids are aka near gramps’ place.  The courses are fairly economical so it is a great place to start.  Passion Card members get a discount.
2. SAFRA
   SAFRA works a lot like the PA.  The website is moderately easy to use and booking can also be done online. They have 5 club houses to choose from and some of the courses they offer may not be available in the PA website.  They also have other services like the Interest Clubs which provide additional privileges if you choose to join them.  These clubs are great if your family has a specific interest e.g. movies or travel.  If you are a member, you get discounts as well.
3. National Library Board
   I go to the GoLibrary link on the left navigation bar and search for events.  These include regular story telling sessions, crafts workshops and interesting talks.  Most of these are free so if you are on a budget, the library is a great place to be.  You can book activities and pay (if needed) online easily.  Since libraries are all over the island, more likely than not, you will be able to find activities that are near your place of preference.
4. National Parks Board
   If your family is outdoorsy, this is the website for you.  I am on their email subscription list so I get informed of activities like garden walks and educational talks.  Registration can be done online but payment is either by cash at the location or by mail in cheque prior to the activity.  I have sent my kids on a couple of activities and they enjoyed them.
5. National Heritage Board
   I don’t always go to the parent website but to the various museums’ websites.  My favourites are Asian Civilisations Museum, National Museum of Singapore and Singapore Art Museum.  Some of the great things are like family days and free entry to museum days.  The annual International Museum Day often brings carnivals, special exhibitions and art installations that are tailored for kids.  Tickets can be bought at SISTIC or at the location itself.
6. SportOnKids
   Set up by the Singapore Sports Council, it is a club that promotes healthy living through sports.  Paying just annual fee of $20, kids would have access to the sport activities that are organised by the club.  Most of these activities are try-one-time sort of format to gauge interest in children.  For example, my kids have done rock climbing, skating, motor-crossing, archery, yoga and even fencing.  Others include kayaking, Frisbee, handball, swimming and football.  As these cost either $5-$10 or nothing for members, it is a great way to expose children to the different sports activities.
7. Places of Interests
   These include the Singapore Zoo, the Jurong Bird Park, the Night Safari and the Science Centre.  These places normally have special exhibits, overnight camps and tours available during the school holidays.  I have done the specials but not tried the overnight camps with the animals yet.  The costs are normally high, but the model of the overnight camps are very interesting and helps in family bonding.  One other place is the Esplanade, which have free open concerts and would have interesting art activities during the different festivals.
8. Enrichment Centres
   These are great places to check out.  On top of their regular classes, they normally would do special courses for the school holidays.  This is also a great way to check the centres and their courses out, to see if they might be suitable for your kids before you shell out the big money for regular courses.  Here are some that I have used before and happy with the results.
   Eduplus Language Centre - Chinese courses
   Genius R Us- Baking and Entrepreneur courses
   Tony Buzan Learning Centre- Mindmapping and Creative Thinking courses
   Legrand School of Dance – Dance courses
9. Shopping Malls
   Go to the various websites of the shopping malls and undoubtedly you will find activities that are designed to attact kids and thus, their parents to the malls.  A lot of these activities are free and often comes with free gifts.  If luck has it that your kids are enamoured with the latest cartoon craze, then these would be fun for them to attend.  Beware of lines and often over zealous parents that may irk you with their ‘kiasu’ ways.  All in all this is a great option if you also have shopping to do.  Something suitable for the whole family.  Here are some links to start you off.
   CapitaMalls Asia
   AsiaMalls
   Takashimaya

Other than these activities, don’t forget the usual favourite family activities like, travelling, swimming, having a meal together, cooking a meal together, visiting a park and catching a movie.  After all, what matters is for the kids to have a fruitful and relaxing holiday break.

If you read my last post, you will see that I listed out the ways that I found work for me as a working mother – Juggling Work and Family.

What I did not explain was why I wrote my last post.  Although it was a challenge from dear husband to list the ways I cope with my busy life, it was my first born son that inspired the last post.

We were chatting (yes I do have time to chat with my kids!), and he told me about his friends in school.  They complained that their parents are always too tired to do anything with them.  Normally they would have 1 or 2 other siblings.  Most have live-in helpers as surrogate caretakers, although some have grandparents.  Others may even lived with their grandparents and only see their parents on weekends.  What puzzled him was why we did not have a live-in helper, our kids did not stay with the grandparents and yet quality time with 4 kids is not eroded.

Now, you must understand that I have a very special little boy here.  He thinks in a very different way from his peers and even from us.  So when he talked to me about this, I was not surprised at all.  I explained that perhaps their parents work long hours and was really drained at the end of the day.  He pointed out that we too were tired, but we still spend time talking to them and doing things together.  Plus, if his friends has a live-in helper, then would that not help the parents not be too tired from the house chores? (and yes we do the house chores ourselves!)

I could tell my efforts in trying to give him time daily from my busy schedule was important to him.  This conversation reminded me that he needs me to be in his life and that he needs to be in mine.  That every conversation, every sharing, every game, every movie, every holiday, every “Mummy, mummy, I have something to show/tell you” answered is important to him.  Even every argument, as I am at least there to have it with him! 

My quest does not stop here.  Although my son may think I am doing a great job, there is always room for improvement.  So I simply have to keep challenging myself to find new ways to keep improving the quality of my interactions with him and being there for him. 

I hope that when the time comes, he will come to me and say, “Mummy, there is this girl…”, and I will be more than happy to part of that chapter of his life.

Okay, last day of the year…last ditch effort to fulfill 2009 resolutions.  Time to also make the 2010 ones.

Two days ago, I initiated a family resolutions making session.  Everyone in the family who can understand the concept was asked to come up with activities that we can do as a family.   I tried this before last 3 months of 2009 and it worked really well.  An additional column was added to each activity to track the date that we achieved it.

This is our list.  We came up with 15 so that we would have 1 for every month and 3 extra.

1. Go to Wild Wild Wet. 
2. Play a family board game.
3. Go to the playground.
4. Go to Hollywood Dinos at Jurong Bird Park.
5. Read the book, “Raising Your Family EQ“.
6. Create a family blog.
7. Go overseas on a family trip.
8. Eat durians in an open air durian cafe.
9. Watch a movie together.
10. Have a barbeque.
11. Cook/Bake together.
12. Go to Sentosa for a short weekend trip.
13. Go to a new park.
14. Go for a family pinic.
15. Go fishing.

What does your family like to do together?  Make a list and at the end of the year, celebrate your family spirit!

This powerful video came to me in facebook from a friend sharing.  When I saw this, I remember all the times my children were watching me – behaving well and behaving badly.  This is not just for parents, but for ALL adults.

How much do we really love our kids?  Do we love them enough to show them how we can make the world a better place?

I am grateful for having this gift bestowed upon me 4 times. 4 lovely babies, 4 times the joy.

I sometimes forget how blessed I am and how great God is. When I am dragged down by life or by work, I forget that I have 4 concrete proof that really, nothing else is important. When I turn inward with selfishness, with self-pity, I could not see the loving eyes, the hugs and kisses, the simple need to be around their mother. I lock them out.

I squander this gift when I do that. I disconnect from my children. The inability to respond sometimes have me guilt ridden for days on end. My children never give up. They keep trying to connect, sometimes turned away by me, but they always come back.

If I am not careful, one day, they will get tired and they will turn away from me, from God.

I admire my DH. He turns off the stresses and pain of daily life off as soon as he enters our home. He plays with the children despite having the worst work day of the week, despite knowing that he probably have to work late into the night, and despite his physical tiredness. He is my role model and I try to emulate him. I succeed sometimes and I fall others.

Please God, help me to see beyond myself, my ego, to receive the love and blessings You so generously shower upon me. Let me never give up and let my children never turn away from me and from You.

Amen.

Note: This post was originally posted on my personal blog on 12 June, 2009.